Things are feeling a bit better today. Yesterday was a day of hot baths, heating pads and ibuprofen. I find that if I mix ibuprofen with coffee that it really helps with cramps. My cramps are bad. They've always been bad, but they got a lot worse in my late twenties. Since giving up gluten, dairy and grains I have experienced some improvement. The difference is that I'm not throwing up from the pain and asking people to euthanize me. It's still bad though. I hope that I don't have to spend the next 20 years dealing with this, but there doesn't seem to be much of a cure offered in this way. I guess I could go out seeking muscle relaxers but I'm not comfortable asking for controlled substances. I guess it's having seen my sister do it as a drug seeking behavior, those pills scare me and so I just bite into a wooden spoon every month and deal. Dr. Wu has tried several different herbal concoctions. They don't make a dent. I have never thought that they would though. I take them anyway. I'll try anything.

Red wine is another thing that works. Sipping a glass slowly keeps the pain at bay. Too much will you overwhelm your liver, which makes things worse. Also, castor oil packs. I find them to be effective in taking the edge off.

I think about these cramps and how they're probably something somewhat genetic. Whoever my ancestors were, I can't imagine having these cramps without access to hot water, electric heating pads and pain killers. Did they just tough it out? Or did they know something I don't?

Maybe cramps like this are environmental. I have read that endometriosis has been found in women who grew up near industrial plants. I did. So maybe the pain is a result of modern day society, in which case the question is moot.

Despite the physical pain, I find myself in good spirits. Fall is a good time for me. It brings up feelings of newness and school and excitement and news friends. A sense that everything is about to change. The smell of the air and the sound of the leaves rustling when they're beginning to change colors. It also makes me want to see my family, which is what I do every year. I have chosen not to go home for Thanksgiving this year. Going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas is too much for me. Also, Vijay and I would like to trade holidays. This year, he will come home with me for Christmas. That makes me happy. I really want to see the kids soon though.

Anyway, I have a fridge full of fruit right now. If I don't do something with it soon, it will all go to waste. So I'm going to throw it all in a blender and make smoothies for Vijay and myself. Later!

Plodding forward, still an apt characterization

Not to take my current improvements for granted mind you, but three glorious days of feeling wonderful were such a tease. I danced around the house. I started planning my life. I started dreaming bigger dreams. Then I got sick. Minor set back in most cases, except that when I get sick I tend to stay that way for months. The Castor oil packs really helped. But yesterday my adrenal symptoms returned. Weakness and chronic hunger. Ugh. I'm tapering off coffee now because I know how hard on the adrenals it can be. I'm taking this healing thing very seriously. I decline wine when we are out to dinner with his parents. I can take no risks. Anything that might stress my body has been outlawed. Except for coffee which I have to taper off of slowly because the withdrawal is super traumatic. My hopes are that this time it will be easier. Coffee increases cortisol production and I am positive I was using it as a form of self medication.

I have two sisters. One is schizophrenic and the other is three months sober from a 15 year drug addiction. The recovering addict has two small children. She has been calling me lately, usually at night when being alone and being sober become particularly hard for her. I need my sleep but it's also important to support her when she is making good decisions, so I try to talk to her through these moments of difficulty. I stand by helplessly as I hear her describe a state of chronic emotional torture. I offer tips and encouragement but the words come out feeling like lifeless platitudes. I have started having nightmares about her relapsing. I live in fear and this is not good for my adrenals. But life has handed me this particular deck of cards and so I am forced to do the best I can with it. Life has been hard. Dealing with my sisters and their never ending travails have taken a toll on me physically. I often wonder where my life is going and if it is going to turn out okay. I don't believe in God and I don't think that everything happens for a reason, so I have to find some other way to make sense of it. Otherwise, the anger and the fear are going to eat me alive. As Dr. Wu said, "the stress is literally killing you." She's right. But what am I supposed to do?