Plodding forward, still an apt characterization

Not to take my current improvements for granted mind you, but three glorious days of feeling wonderful were such a tease. I danced around the house. I started planning my life. I started dreaming bigger dreams. Then I got sick. Minor set back in most cases, except that when I get sick I tend to stay that way for months. The Castor oil packs really helped. But yesterday my adrenal symptoms returned. Weakness and chronic hunger. Ugh. I'm tapering off coffee now because I know how hard on the adrenals it can be. I'm taking this healing thing very seriously. I decline wine when we are out to dinner with his parents. I can take no risks. Anything that might stress my body has been outlawed. Except for coffee which I have to taper off of slowly because the withdrawal is super traumatic. My hopes are that this time it will be easier. Coffee increases cortisol production and I am positive I was using it as a form of self medication.

I have two sisters. One is schizophrenic and the other is three months sober from a 15 year drug addiction. The recovering addict has two small children. She has been calling me lately, usually at night when being alone and being sober become particularly hard for her. I need my sleep but it's also important to support her when she is making good decisions, so I try to talk to her through these moments of difficulty. I stand by helplessly as I hear her describe a state of chronic emotional torture. I offer tips and encouragement but the words come out feeling like lifeless platitudes. I have started having nightmares about her relapsing. I live in fear and this is not good for my adrenals. But life has handed me this particular deck of cards and so I am forced to do the best I can with it. Life has been hard. Dealing with my sisters and their never ending travails have taken a toll on me physically. I often wonder where my life is going and if it is going to turn out okay. I don't believe in God and I don't think that everything happens for a reason, so I have to find some other way to make sense of it. Otherwise, the anger and the fear are going to eat me alive. As Dr. Wu said, "the stress is literally killing you." She's right. But what am I supposed to do?