Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Taking Xifaxan

I don't feel much like writing today but I started on an antibiotic called Xifaxan, so I need to document this. Dr. Weiss thinks I have low stomach acid because I have undigested food in my stool. If undigested food makes it to the colon, bacteria will colonize on the food and proliferate, thus causing an overpopulation of harmful bacteria. He thinks this is why my immune system can't seem to get a handle on this ongoing Epstein Barr infection -- because it is dealing with the nasty byproducts of bacterial overload in the gut. Or at least that's what I think he said to me. I have trouble remembering anything unless I write it down.

Speaking of the Epstein Barr infection, I just got my new blood results back and after a two month reprieve, the mono is back with a vengeance. The good news is that the HHV-6 viral count is entirely normal. So that's weird. I know nothing about different types of viruses or why one would be running rampant while the other is being successfully contained, but that seems to be the case. There were two other things that seemed amiss, the first one was that my iron levels were nearly toxic. Last few blood tests they came out high. He says it is nearly impossible for a mensturating woman to have iron levels that high, so he wants me to get tested for hemochromatosis. The second thing is that my T-3 levels were too high and so I'm going to reduce the amount of dessicated thyroid I take by 10 mg. I knew that I was hyperthyroid because my hair has been falling out. It has been for months and it has gotten to the point where I can see my scalp through my hair in front when it is wet. I may appear to take it all in stride but I tell you, my ego is whimpering underneath the bed. I have no intention of coaxing it out as I figure there's more abuse to come before I get this all sorted out.

I will attempt to document how this trial of antibiotics go, if energy allows. It is difficult. After cranking out a full blog entry, I usually feel like I need a nap.



Tuesday, October 20, 2009

the tyrant

It is very important to me that I make sense. I have met a lot of people that don't and it scares me. It scares me enough that I make the extra effort in my writing and in my speech to have some sort of logical progression of thought, preferably with a beginning middle and end. Ideally it should be concise. I have become somewhat neurotic about this and most likely at the expensive of creativity. A tyrant lives in me and slashes to pieces just about everything that I do. Creativity is messy and inherently risky, so slash, slash, slash. But violence is pathetic and so ostensibly so is the tyrant. Ironically so, because everything the tyrant does is to appear powerful. One day I will figure out how to non-violently dispose of this despot, but until then I will stay true to my pacifism and simply refuse to humor him and hope he goes away.

In this blog, I have told myself that I would not hold myself to this standard. That's why none of my friends are aware of it. That and I don't want them reading my sick rants. I'm still very secretive about the extent to which I struggle on a daily basis. So the tyrant still seems to be making most of the rules. Nevertheless, the fact that this blog exists at all is a small act of rebellion. It is my intention to stage more non-violent acts of rebellion in the future.

Sadly, my energy is not so great. Today I feel like I'm thinking through quicksand. It's way better than it has been, so don't get me wrong. Yesterday I did a lot of work around the house instead of sleep. I also woke up early and took a walk. The day before that, which was Sunday, I went with Vijay to the farmers market and then we walked to the co-op for free massage. Later that day I made filet mignon, sweet potatoes, marinated eggplant and white turnips and turnip greens. On Saturday we walked a 5k and went to a Diwail celebration later that night. That's a lot of stuff. I seem to be doing alright. The tyrant whispers in my ear, "you should be able to do more." Go fuck yourself, tyrant. The fact that I'm getting out of bed these days is a testimony to my ever improving, healing, hoping spirit.

I have to admit to feeling lost these days. I'm tired and achey and too young to be tired and achey. I'm mad at almost everyone that knows I'm sick for not better understanding my situation, which lacks patience. If everyone misunderstands, it must be hard to understand, which means that it's less of a character flaw and more of a really big thing to wrap your head around. It's just that it gets lonely in here.

It's hard not to erase this blog because it doesn't have a beginning, middle and end. Just rambling. Maybe I even contradict myself. So what.

It's not yet 11:00 in the morning and it's time for a nap. Later.