rambling on various things

It's been a while. Although I have been doing yoga almost daily, I seem to have hit a rough spot in the healing process and I can't seem to snap out of it. I have been so tired. Too tired to cook or clean. I even went three days without washing my hair! Going back home really threw me for a loop. It's not good for me to visit the immediate family, unfortunately. I haven't really been able to get a grip on the panic attacks since my return. Last night at about two a.m. I had a particularly nasty one. I have finally figured out what instigates them though.

But first a little history.

My panic attacks began as sleep walking episodes during a particularly bad fever that I had in second grade. I eventually stopped walking in my sleep, but instead I just wake with a start, drenched in sweat and trembling with a fear so intense that certainly a less logical version of myself (perhaps a child?) could not be faulted for attempting to run. The one thing that I have noticed about my current panic attacks are that I wake up very, very hot. So it was brought to my attention by some friends that perhaps state of being hot, being similar to that of the fever, instigates the panic. My naturopath suggested that if my body was conditioned to associate high body temperature with a life threatening situation (the really high fever) that maybe the fight or flight response actually makes sense.

Ah-ha!

Unfortunately, I can't think of how not to overheat at night. When my partner sleeps he turns into a veritable space heater and the heat that he generates gets trapped under the covers, until BAM off I go into fear induced lunacy. If part of my goal is to heal my adrenal glands, these night terrors have got to stop. It can't be good to have my poor adrenals pumping out all of those stress hormones with such frequency. The next day I feel flustered and drained and my muscles weak and wobbly. Plus, it interrupts my sleep. It may be necessary for us to have separate covers at night. It's something to try anyway.

So I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow and a yoga class. We went to yoga this morning as well and in the afternoon we went to an event put on by our local coop. A band called Chopteeth played and the coop served us delicious Mediterranean cuisine. We didn't stay long because the boy had to go back and do homework, but the short amount of time that I spent there made me realize how much enjoyment there is to be had to be IN music while listening to it. This is compared to sticking a CD into the CD player and listening to it the with the bass turned up, which is no comparison. To actually have the beat of the drum and the sounds from the band moving through you is a deeply moving feeling. Just so long as it's good music, which today it was.

I am still having a lot of problems with a family member whose drug abuse has basically shattered the ability of my family to relate to one another in a healthy manner. She overdoses on a regular basis and recently one of her friends died of a drug overdose. Another friend of hers came over and passed out and they were unable to arouse her and they had to call an ambulance. She doesn't seem to be waking up from this and appears as if she never will. I know that life is struggle but sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a break. So I have decided to start going to Alanon meetings. There is one that meets on Thursdays at eight p.m. in my neighborhood. I am little nervous as I don't know what to expect. More hypervigilant, guilt ridden, hand wringing, 'save the world' types, like myself? Perhaps. Maybe I'll get something out of it. Hopefully, support and good advice, as it seems like people who have not been in my particular situation grow very tired of how things never get better and I continue to care, as if I can turn a switch in my brain to become as detached and uncaring as the rest of the world seems to be. Maybe I'll meet someone who has come up with the perfect ratio of detachment to caring, so that I don't have to shut down entirely in order to self preserve. Maybe I'll just get involved with more people who are in pain that I can't help.  Maybe none of those things. Maybe all of them. 

And finally, I have been thinking a lot about how annonymous I want to be with this blog. After some deliberation,  I have decided not to use names of people at all. I don't like censoring myself and I have a history of that in blogging, for fear of the wrong person reading my posts. 

I am relearning how to breath, by the way. Breath transforms consciousness. I am taking small steps towards wellness and things are going to get better. 

My focus is slipping now, so I should go. 

Atheist praying

Yesterday was more of the same. Lots of weakness. I tried to take a walk but didn't make it very far before tiring. My throat is still sore even today. Tonight I will do a castor oil pack, which helps the liver and lymphatic system clear toxins from the body. Or so I have heard. Castor oil packs always make my stomach growl like crazy, so I know something is happening. And I usually feel pretty good afterwards. 

The boyfriend is baking yams for me as we speak. I just ate a bowl of organic strawberries. Earlier I had a shrimp, radish, carrot, romaine and avocado salad with basil dressing and freshly made organic mint lemon aid. For breakfast, a boiled egg and gluten free toast and butter and coffee. Also, lots and lots of water. I know my metabolism is on the fritz because in my early twenties a diet like this would have had me as skinny as a rail. 

I had another acupuncture session tonight. I tried to visualize healing during my session. It is thought that perhaps the mind can heal the body and I think it's probably true. If stress causes illness and negative thoughts cause stress, then we truly can influence the state of our bodies by the thoughts that we have. It's up to us which way those thoughts go and if we are practiced in negativity, it takes a certain level of discipline to attempt to reign in old patterns and create new ones. I have come light years in this respect over the past year alone, but I still have light years to go. 

I had the hubby call a local place here in town and signed us up for free introductory yoga sessions on Monday and Sunday. Hopefully the yoga won't be too much for me. It's introductory yoga and I used to be relatively advanced before I got sick, so I remember the intro yoga to be very gentle. Unfortunately, my perspective has changed a little, so I'm somewhat nervous. I should probably tell the yoga instructor about my situation, just in case I have to stop in the middle of things. Anyway, if we like it there we will get memberships and start doing yoga on a regular basis. This will be my first attempt at becoming physically active again. 

My history professor from college sent me a book recently titled "The Human Condition" by Thomas Keating. Today I received from him the guidelines for a centering prayer that he meant to send along with the book. 

The centering prayer is very simple. 

1.) Choose a sacred word (or simple attention to your breath) as the symbol of your intention to consent to God's (my insert: or the Universe's) presence and action within.

2.) Sitting comfortably with eyes closed, settle briefly, then silently introduce the sacred word (or attention to breath) as the symbol of your consent to God's (or the Universe's) presence and action within. 

3.) When you become aware of thoughts, return ever so gently to the sacred word (or attention to breath)

4.) At the end of the prayer period, remain in silence with eyes closed for a couple of minutes.

The paper recommends at least twenty minutes but to do what you can, or rather, "pray as you can, not as you can't". 

I think there is something to be said for an atheist praying. There are places in the brain that light up while in deep prayer or meditation. These centers, or so I have read, are the same area in the brain that registers the capacity to feel pleasure. You can cultivate these centers and thus increase your capacity for joy. Interesting, no? Scientifically, spiritually or otherwise. 

Okay, time to eat yams. 

Bad past few days

The past few days have been hard. Yesterday, I had fits of nausea and weakness. I had trouble making it up the stairs to our apartment. Today I feel tired and feverish. My throat is sore, and my lymph nodes are swollen. I'm just terribly exhausted.

I had an acupuncture appointment today which seemed to unleash a lot of pent up anguish. Afterwards, I even fell asleep on the table.

Despite the fact that I'm not feeling well, I was able to make a pretty good meal this evening. The boyfriend and I went to the store, and I bought a whole chicken, organic and free range of course. I stuffed it with garlic, hot sauce, carrots, and onions and cooked it for an hour and a half. It turned out fabulous. We also had an organic herb salad with tomatoes and cucumber. Sometimes when I feel like this, it is so hard to insist on eating well when that means having to cut, clean, prepare, and cook so many things!

I took all my nightly medications, and now I'm feeling woozy. There's just so much stuff that it makes me sort of ill. I'll try and stay awake for a while so that I can digest them before I go to bed.

Tonight, my body is weak, but my heart is restless. There's so much I want to do that I cannot. I wonder how long it will be before I can start doing all the things I dream about daily. Of course I dream about it at night, too. I dream about being younger and running and being free. Sometimes, I dream about boundless energy and creativity and joy, and then I wake up and I realize I'm still sick.

The lighting outside is crashing, and it is sort of comforting.

My neice wants to visit soon. She says she'd like to see the ocean, and I have promised her that we will go. My goal is to be well enough in two months to be able to have her visit. I just started to take my new thyroid stuff. Perhaps in a few months it will have taken effect. That would be ideal.

It's nine thirty. My goal is to be in bed by ten thirty. According to the CFS protocol, I need to be getting 9–10 hours of sleep per night. My problem is that even if I go to bed early, I usually awake around midnight or one with my heart racing and terror surging through my veins. I don't know where it comes from. I have found that taking liquid magnesium before bed has lessened the effects of the night terrors. Another thing that has helped some is a dose of 200 mg of 5-HTP. This has also helped a lot with depression, which is a really big deal. Before I was using coffee as my antidepressant and since then have been able to reduce my coffee consumption by about half.

My words are coming out disconnected and awkward. But the times when expressing myself comes easily are also the times when I'm feeling well. During those times it is hard to remember what it is like to feel really truly sick. I have to allow myself to write when I feel clumsy and thick headed so that I can remember how far I have come when it begins to subside. In the past I have withdrawn when the words don't look and sound like they're supposed to. I guess this is the designated space for my clumsy brain to flail and attempt to articulate itself on its own terms.

Thank you universe for teaching me about humility.

I must feel entitled to nothing and work for everything.

Amen.

Do you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?

I am seeing a doctor who has worked very closely with Dr. Teitlebaum and is trained extensively in his unique approach to issues of Chronic Fatigue. This is an interview with Dr. T, an explanation of what CFS is and the overview of the basic protocol under which I am currently being treated.

Listen to the interview.

Towards the end, Dr. T give a general overview of how hypothyroidism fits into the cycle of CFS and Fibromyalgia, which I think is a very important connection. These medical issues may be separate diagnostic categories in some physicians manual, but in the interconnected web of the body, each disordered system gives rise to another.

My first Chronic Fatigue post

I want this blog to be a learning forum, for myself and for whomever happens to find it. My short term goals are to learn to articulate the struggles that I have experienced thus far in a way for other people to understand and also to give those struggles a physiological framework. For within the framework of physiology, we remove the moral stigma of fatigue and begin fleshing out a roadmap for self-empowerment and recovery.

So, the ultimate goal, my dear readers – what I want for myself and for other sufferers – is to give meaning to this illness in a logical light. Who are these people like myself trudging this weary path of existence? How do we make meaning of it? And how do we find acceptance when there is so much distrust and misunderstanding surrounding this seemingly mysterious disease? With better understanding of the origins and degenerative path of body dis-ease, what options do we have with the resources that we have access to? And maybe most importantly, how can we create a non-judgemental environment of support and empathy for one another along the way? Maybe you can help me do this, for I certainly cannot do it alone.