It's been a while. Although I have been doing yoga almost daily, I seem to have hit a rough spot in the healing process and I can't seem to snap out of it. I have been so tired. Too tired to cook or clean. I even went three days without washing my hair! Going back home really threw me for a loop. It's not good for me to visit the immediate family, unfortunately. I haven't really been able to get a grip on the panic attacks since my return. Last night at about two a.m. I had a particularly nasty one. I have finally figured out what instigates them though.
But first a little history.
My panic attacks began as sleep walking episodes during a particularly bad fever that I had in second grade. I eventually stopped walking in my sleep, but instead I just wake with a start, drenched in sweat and trembling with a fear so intense that certainly a less logical version of myself (perhaps a child?) could not be faulted for attempting to run. The one thing that I have noticed about my current panic attacks are that I wake up very, very hot. So it was brought to my attention by some friends that perhaps state of being hot, being similar to that of the fever, instigates the panic. My naturopath suggested that if my body was conditioned to associate high body temperature with a life threatening situation (the really high fever) that maybe the fight or flight response actually makes sense.
Ah-ha!
Unfortunately, I can't think of how not to overheat at night. When my partner sleeps he turns into a veritable space heater and the heat that he generates gets trapped under the covers, until BAM off I go into fear induced lunacy. If part of my goal is to heal my adrenal glands, these night terrors have got to stop. It can't be good to have my poor adrenals pumping out all of those stress hormones with such frequency. The next day I feel flustered and drained and my muscles weak and wobbly. Plus, it interrupts my sleep. It may be necessary for us to have separate covers at night. It's something to try anyway.
So I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow and a yoga class. We went to yoga this morning as well and in the afternoon we went to an event put on by our local coop. A band called Chopteeth played and the coop served us delicious Mediterranean cuisine. We didn't stay long because the boy had to go back and do homework, but the short amount of time that I spent there made me realize how much enjoyment there is to be had to be IN music while listening to it. This is compared to sticking a CD into the CD player and listening to it the with the bass turned up, which is no comparison. To actually have the beat of the drum and the sounds from the band moving through you is a deeply moving feeling. Just so long as it's good music, which today it was.
I am still having a lot of problems with a family member whose drug abuse has basically shattered the ability of my family to relate to one another in a healthy manner. She overdoses on a regular basis and recently one of her friends died of a drug overdose. Another friend of hers came over and passed out and they were unable to arouse her and they had to call an ambulance. She doesn't seem to be waking up from this and appears as if she never will. I know that life is struggle but sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a break. So I have decided to start going to Alanon meetings. There is one that meets on Thursdays at eight p.m. in my neighborhood. I am little nervous as I don't know what to expect. More hypervigilant, guilt ridden, hand wringing, 'save the world' types, like myself? Perhaps. Maybe I'll get something out of it. Hopefully, support and good advice, as it seems like people who have not been in my particular situation grow very tired of how things never get better and I continue to care, as if I can turn a switch in my brain to become as detached and uncaring as the rest of the world seems to be. Maybe I'll meet someone who has come up with the perfect ratio of detachment to caring, so that I don't have to shut down entirely in order to self preserve. Maybe I'll just get involved with more people who are in pain that I can't help. Maybe none of those things. Maybe all of them.
And finally, I have been thinking a lot about how annonymous I want to be with this blog. After some deliberation, I have decided not to use names of people at all. I don't like censoring myself and I have a history of that in blogging, for fear of the wrong person reading my posts.
I am relearning how to breath, by the way. Breath transforms consciousness. I am taking small steps towards wellness and things are going to get better.
My focus is slipping now, so I should go.
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