Bad past few days

The past few days have been hard. Yesterday, I had fits of nausea and weakness. I had trouble making it up the stairs to our apartment. Today I feel tired and feverish. My throat is sore, and my lymph nodes are swollen. I'm just terribly exhausted.

I had an acupuncture appointment today which seemed to unleash a lot of pent up anguish. Afterwards, I even fell asleep on the table.

Despite the fact that I'm not feeling well, I was able to make a pretty good meal this evening. The boyfriend and I went to the store, and I bought a whole chicken, organic and free range of course. I stuffed it with garlic, hot sauce, carrots, and onions and cooked it for an hour and a half. It turned out fabulous. We also had an organic herb salad with tomatoes and cucumber. Sometimes when I feel like this, it is so hard to insist on eating well when that means having to cut, clean, prepare, and cook so many things!

I took all my nightly medications, and now I'm feeling woozy. There's just so much stuff that it makes me sort of ill. I'll try and stay awake for a while so that I can digest them before I go to bed.

Tonight, my body is weak, but my heart is restless. There's so much I want to do that I cannot. I wonder how long it will be before I can start doing all the things I dream about daily. Of course I dream about it at night, too. I dream about being younger and running and being free. Sometimes, I dream about boundless energy and creativity and joy, and then I wake up and I realize I'm still sick.

The lighting outside is crashing, and it is sort of comforting.

My neice wants to visit soon. She says she'd like to see the ocean, and I have promised her that we will go. My goal is to be well enough in two months to be able to have her visit. I just started to take my new thyroid stuff. Perhaps in a few months it will have taken effect. That would be ideal.

It's nine thirty. My goal is to be in bed by ten thirty. According to the CFS protocol, I need to be getting 9–10 hours of sleep per night. My problem is that even if I go to bed early, I usually awake around midnight or one with my heart racing and terror surging through my veins. I don't know where it comes from. I have found that taking liquid magnesium before bed has lessened the effects of the night terrors. Another thing that has helped some is a dose of 200 mg of 5-HTP. This has also helped a lot with depression, which is a really big deal. Before I was using coffee as my antidepressant and since then have been able to reduce my coffee consumption by about half.

My words are coming out disconnected and awkward. But the times when expressing myself comes easily are also the times when I'm feeling well. During those times it is hard to remember what it is like to feel really truly sick. I have to allow myself to write when I feel clumsy and thick headed so that I can remember how far I have come when it begins to subside. In the past I have withdrawn when the words don't look and sound like they're supposed to. I guess this is the designated space for my clumsy brain to flail and attempt to articulate itself on its own terms.

Thank you universe for teaching me about humility.

I must feel entitled to nothing and work for everything.

Amen.