the tyrant

It is very important to me that I make sense. I have met a lot of people that don't and it scares me. It scares me enough that I make the extra effort in my writing and in my speech to have some sort of logical progression of thought, preferably with a beginning middle and end. Ideally it should be concise. I have become somewhat neurotic about this and most likely at the expensive of creativity. A tyrant lives in me and slashes to pieces just about everything that I do. Creativity is messy and inherently risky, so slash, slash, slash. But violence is pathetic and so ostensibly so is the tyrant. Ironically so, because everything the tyrant does is to appear powerful. One day I will figure out how to non-violently dispose of this despot, but until then I will stay true to my pacifism and simply refuse to humor him and hope he goes away.

In this blog, I have told myself that I would not hold myself to this standard. That's why none of my friends are aware of it. That and I don't want them reading my sick rants. I'm still very secretive about the extent to which I struggle on a daily basis. So the tyrant still seems to be making most of the rules. Nevertheless, the fact that this blog exists at all is a small act of rebellion. It is my intention to stage more non-violent acts of rebellion in the future.

Sadly, my energy is not so great. Today I feel like I'm thinking through quicksand. It's way better than it has been, so don't get me wrong. Yesterday I did a lot of work around the house instead of sleep. I also woke up early and took a walk. The day before that, which was Sunday, I went with Vijay to the farmers market and then we walked to the co-op for free massage. Later that day I made filet mignon, sweet potatoes, marinated eggplant and white turnips and turnip greens. On Saturday we walked a 5k and went to a Diwail celebration later that night. That's a lot of stuff. I seem to be doing alright. The tyrant whispers in my ear, "you should be able to do more." Go fuck yourself, tyrant. The fact that I'm getting out of bed these days is a testimony to my ever improving, healing, hoping spirit.

I have to admit to feeling lost these days. I'm tired and achey and too young to be tired and achey. I'm mad at almost everyone that knows I'm sick for not better understanding my situation, which lacks patience. If everyone misunderstands, it must be hard to understand, which means that it's less of a character flaw and more of a really big thing to wrap your head around. It's just that it gets lonely in here.

It's hard not to erase this blog because it doesn't have a beginning, middle and end. Just rambling. Maybe I even contradict myself. So what.

It's not yet 11:00 in the morning and it's time for a nap. Later.